watch out for pseudo-feelings during conflict

which of these are emotions?

• judged

• disrespected

• rejected

• dismissed

• ignored

• excluded

• pressured

• betrayed

• blamed

• punished

• manipulated

• tricked

• patronized

• not prioritized

• abandoned

• unloved

surprise!

none of them are 😮

our most universal and irreducible emotions number just a few, give or take a couple depending on the study you’re looking at:

• fear

• joy

• anger

• sadness

a funny thing happens when we get into conflict — we forget our basic emotions and express our feelings using words like the ones on the first list instead, what i like to call ‘pseudo-feelings.’

why does this happen?

one thing pseudo-feelings have in common is that they’re actually verbs masquerading as emotions. it’s easier to point at what we think is the bad behavior of the other person instead of revealing our soft, emotional underbellies and all the ways we’re vulnerable to being hurt. it’s also more satisfying, at least in the short-term.

but because these pseudo-feelings imply (negative) intent on behalf of the other person, they create defensiveness and make it harder for them to hear our pain. they end up refuting your claim instead of acknowledging the impact of their actions.

reflect on the difference between “i feel disrespected when you interrupt me,” and “i feel upset and a little sad when you interrupt me.”

the first can come off as an accusation, while the second owns our emotions in a way that invites more empathy and compassion. we all know what it feels like to be sad, afraid, or angry.

being able to convey our feelings in an accurate and vulnerable way is one of the four steps of nonviolent communication, a framework for resolving conflict:

1. when [observable, specific fact],

2. i feel [emotion],

3. because i have [value].

4. would you be willing to [request]?

often a pseudo-feeling can be better expressed through a combination of steps 1 and 2. for example, instead of “i feel pressured by you,” you can say “when you repeatedly ask me if i’ve made a decision, i feel scared and frustrated.”

the next time you’re in a fight and find yourself about to blurt a pseudo-feeling, pause and ask yourself what the core, underlying emotion is. sometimes it’ll be obvious and sometimes you’ll need to take a moment to breathe and let yourself really feel what’s showing up. be gentle and patient with yourself.

caveat

people can and do act in ways that cause serious harm to others. my intent is not to invalidate the consequences of those actions or say that they don’t exist. they’re beyond the scope of this post, which is just a reminder that the language we use during conflict matters.